I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
did you just send me my own nude
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
