I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
