Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
