My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
