I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize