She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize