And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
