Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The air was thick with penises
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
i think my cat just said my name.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
