I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
