You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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