that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Randomize
