Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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