dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
