I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
