I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
