I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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