remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
