I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
