I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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