you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
