there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
