WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize