note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
