I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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