Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
