I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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