i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She bit a glass in half.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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