Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize