I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
