If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
