I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
