Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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