just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
