If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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