It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I have surprise drugs for everyone
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
