Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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