I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize