the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
