if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
