Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
