im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
whose ass print is on the piano?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
