tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
