We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
