It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Need sex. Gaining weight.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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