when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
