Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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