He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
