I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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