My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
