my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
