Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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