No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
