note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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