we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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