I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
