a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Someone came in the potted fern
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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