Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
