Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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