i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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