Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
