sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
