I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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