the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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