Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
