I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize