you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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