I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
