Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
