turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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