There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
