you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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