Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
