you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
